*selfie take by my (then) 2.5 year old. I feel like she’s going to end up a film student.
It seems to me that “Mommy” is a concept. Not always a tangible thing.
I think back to my childhood, and despite being with my mother everyday, I really cannot recall memories of her until my adolescence. I remember being close to her. I remember eating food she made me. I remember going places she took me. But her, as a person, is absent. What’s most fascinating is that the more I talk about it with people, the more they too have similar experiences and memories. Are you able to remember your mother, as a person, before the age of 10?
I have a theory. Being a mother means you do not actually exist as a person until your children are older; even so much as moved out of the house. Instead of being a real person with real interests, fears, flesh, and blood, you are kind of like an imaginary friend. There are days when I’m pretty sure my toddler thinks she is the only one who can see me.
As a mommy you are always there. Everywhere. Even when you’re not there in body next to them, you always seem to know what they are doing; or at least that’s how they see it. You’re more of a presence and less of a person.
When I play with JBird, it’s not the all day engaged play that Daddy and Grandma are privy to; endless games of make-believe, limitless imaginative games. With Mommy, it’s a side by side “together” type of play. We read together, bake together, and paint together. She likes me to sit in the same room as her while she plays with her dolls. Sometimes I am asked to assist in the putting on or taking off of the doll’s clothes. Other than that, my job is to sit and be still.
This is probably why motherhood is so difficult at times. Knowing that your children really have no concept of you as a real person…and won’t until they are much older. Sometimes I just want to scream; probably just to validate that I am in fact a real live human being and not some sort of robot nanny.
But it’s also kind of great when you think about it. There’s a special power that comes along with being a mama.
Mommy is a magical creature.
Mommy is an entity: the all knowing, great and powerful, healer, wielder of bandaids, maker of the rules, queen bee, final say, comforter, lover, possessing all the virtues, muse, hero, warrior, bringer of the grilled cheese.
Daddy is a tangible person. Daddy takes me to the zoo. Daddy reads me stories. Daddy tucks me in. Daddy is special and important…but still real.
Mommy is like vapor. Existing, always there, but somehow not really a person. Mommy is mythical. Mommy is a unicorn.